Reclaiming myself

Who am I? This was not a question in my head when I decided to live frugally for months to build up my savings. At the time the only thought in my head was to have enough money to cushion me against financial emergencies.

It would take me years to realize that something inside me was saving up to buy precious time to find out who I am. The pandemic-induced lockdown acted as a bubble in time granted to let me do a deep-dive into my being.

I also realized this coincided with my life-long quest to find the meaning of existence. It was alluring, this idea of a benevolent entity who is omniscient and omnipotent to watch out for me in an uncertain world. But that required blind faith which doesn’t come naturally to me.

So, when I took the plunge of discovery, it was a jarring dive that cleared away the fog in my mind, like a ray of sunlight piercing through the clouds in my head, layer by layer, stripping away illusions. I unlearnt and unravelled as I learnt to fall in love with myself. I went through each of the stages of the falling — giving importance to myself, getting to know who I am, nurturing myself and then learning to love and trust who I was discovering.

In my need to find meaning, I had not realized that I was questing for something outside myself when I had everything I needed. I didn’t need blind faith. I didn’t need control. I had me and what was even more liberating was discovering that I could trust myself.

Once that was in place, I could see myself clearly with all that I am equipped with. My keen interest in reading all things about the brain and human nature told me that the brain is a wonderfully adaptive organ. It is ever willing to change and grow as per the demands I place on it, regardless of what age I happen to be. To the brain, it makes no difference how many times I have circled the sun.

Where life had been a hamster’s wheel with me going through the motions unthinkingly, I learnt to slow down and value time. Where earlier questions of productivity, achievement and worth would dominate my thoughts, now I am learning to see past norms dictated by social reality. In the process, I am learning to value my uniqueness. Why was I trying to fit in? Why should anyone fit in?

I realized I was trying to fit in because I was scared of living. I was scared of the uncontrollable unknown, all those variables that are beyond my control. I was scared to realize that there is no control and no amount of planning can give me control when the universe has other ideas. I also realized that there is no reason for the universe to accede to my demands, desire or wishes.

So, I had mistakenly thought that perhaps I should be doing what everyone else did. Live according to a template, a norm that everyone seemed to be following without realizing I was handing over my life to be lived as some random person’s idea of living.

But once I shed off the expectations I had of myself and the pressure I had put on myself based on norms; once I left behind my need for control in an uncontrollable world, existence bloomed within my inner eye as a space filled with bursts of energy.

Bursts of energy that range from the smallest to the largest. Some bursts shine more brightly than the others, some wander around while others streak past with purpose, some are black holes that gobble up every bit of energy in the vicinity while others are supernovas whose tendrils stretch far and wide, sometimes outshining smaller bursts nearby.

If we are all bits of energy then the only thing I need to do is make the most of my own energy. I have dreams that I want to fulfil. The only difference is, these dreams are my own. Steering a ship on unknown seas is tough. But as Epictetus and David Burns put it at various times, there are still creative possibilities of the present to explore with patience, persistence and a high tolerance for frustration.

I also learnt the power of drawing positive energy and giving it out in turn — the stuff that prayers, joy, celebrations, dreams and hopes are made of. This is the only thing I’m parking my faith in.

There are days when I am low on inner energy so I take care of myself till I am back on my feet.

There are days when I blaze with inner energy. Where, earlier my being would expand with bliss on the rare instances when my mind managed to surf on waves of meditation, now I feel existence more keenly in a sort of waking meditation… when the breeze blows and sends leaves fluttering, when I explore my creative possibilities in this time and space my life energy has been granted.

In this gradual re-entry into living, I am discovering that I like the skin into which I have been poured. In this rediscovery of myself, I am also realizing that I can create my own reality.

The biggest high in all this? The knowing that I am a work still in progress, a story still being told…

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